>> Thursday, March 31, 2005

~ mIsErY ~
i live in a world..where greed, evil, selfishness and many others are dominating the world..yty was one of the most cruel and depressing day of my 14 years..tat morning i had a tiff with maca..not tat it is normal or somthin but ya..we fought..after tat..my mum has this new food stall and i have been insane actually..always going there and help out alot..and i say alot,it means alot. i whld just work non stop..just becoz its for my mother..and a simple wish..tat i request for..is for her to

appreciate

it..well two days ago..i got alot of praises from customers who saw me working si hard..i felt really pleased with myself..but most of all..what does my mum thinks? den she did smile once in a a while for my hard work..which makes me feel tat all of tis r worthwhile..den yty,after netball training..i was pissed with vice cap as usual..the last thing i will ever get out of her is respect but..who cares bout her alrdy..den.very tired but,coz my mum requested me to help her print out the menu for the stall,so i did it right after netball. i went home straight coz i cant go in de lan shop with my uni. i bathed and went to the lan shop straight. have not rested yet. deni did all the designs alrdy..not knowing exactly what my mum wants but i jus do it..den i made this price tags thingy which is really mafan coz its gonna be small and i have to cut them out before laminating them..i walked to roxy square to look for a shop tt laminates stuff..walk lots of rounds..all are closed. very tired. but still..for my mum.
~ what do i get? ~
den finally i found this shop..the lady was pretty busy but she still is gonna laminate for me..i stood there waiting for her to laminate it for me for like an hour..i mean an HOUR. stood there like an idiot..cut the price tags a lot also..waited very long..the lady is just practically busy..i had to even arrange the price tags myself on the laminating paper..but once again..for my mum..im willing to stand the hour. den i called my dad to fetch me..he came bout 30 mins ltr..i waited outside roxy square for him..for tat 30 mins..really tired..fall asleep when he fetched me..den when he stopped my outside the stall,i gave my mum the menu and price tags, hoping tat she whld be pleased of what i have done for her. and den..she said this.."you do this for what?? waste your money! we dont need this!"the tone she gave was like..im acting smart those type..den its depressing..den..i kept quiet..although it stabbed me real hard..but maybe its my fault..i didnt do it the way she wants it..den she left it on the table..i took it and put it in the drawer..it wasnt a big blow den..my aunt consoled me saying tat its the though tat counts.good work rachel..i really appreciated wat she said..it made me feel better despite what my mum said..den i was sick too..havin a bad cough n flu..tats y i didnt help tat much yty coz i did not wanted to contaminate the food or anythin..but i did not wanted to worry my mum tat im sick..guess what..she said this, "you got nothing to do izzit? do this la!"..in a tone like her daughter is a bloody slacker..i noe it sounds childish to get depressed over such things..but my mum means lots to me and everything she says means alot..i hid my tears and worked den..tried not to cough in front of her..
~ and somemore.. ~
den the night ended..i was exhausted..wanted to go home..tats all..it was 11 den..tmr got school..i have not been sleeping well at all..just to help out at the stall..den i went to my mum..she was counting money..den she fling one of the price tags i made onto the table..den i jokinly said tis,"dun do tat! i worked hard for it.." yep..guess what..she said this.."i also nv ask you to do this small things!"..T_T..ouch mum..ouch. i walked away..feeling worthless in her eyes..and tried to not cry.but the tears seemed to overflow and soon drip out. big beads of them actually..i have this thing tat everytime when i cry,my nose turns really red. den when i cried..my aunt and maid asked y..i said i was yawning..tats y there r tears and my nose is red..wat a lie..i so wanna go home..and cry to my pillow..i walked to the toilet..cried alot in the cubicle..den told myself to be strong. and i went out..trying to look normal. but it hurt me alot on what she said. den i sat on the table..kept quiet..and waited patiently..msged maca..but shes asleep..not there when i need her..she left her hp silent..den i really hoped tat someone whld be there for me..to comfort me..i felt really alone tat time. mum doesnt care bout me..den its time to go home..11.20. haizz..i reached home about 11.50..den i bath everything and all quickly and turn in..but i was really sad..i just kept crying at the thought of it..why?..den i rmb tat i have to get my dad to sign my common test results..i gave him..he skim through it and signed. and when to read letters tat we got today. wow dad..thx..for not giving a hoot for my education.or even me..i went to my room..cried so much..to my pillow..feeling unloved. den i wanna sleep and forget everything..den my sis came in.on the lights.the radio.and studied. wow..nice environment to sleep in.den my bro came.talked to my sis alot.i used to be close with my bro and sis alot at diff periods of time in the past..but now it has been really long since i last talked to them for more than 1 min..i feel like i dun even have my sibling's love too..i hide my tears..went out the room..and go to my mum's room.my mum wasnt home tat time..so i cried so much..alone.in a dark room..with only a bolster with me. slept on my baby bro's thin mat.no pillow at all..just me. and the bolster.
~ bed was wet.. ~
i cried to myself..thinkin..am i tat worthless tat no one shld bother about..i felt really lonely and uncared for..no one is there for me..not even jo..den i cried alot..and couldnt sleep..all the way to 1.30am. where i finally fall asleep..my mum just called btw. guess wat she said.."rachel where r u? y r u not here helping? the maid is here helping me and i cant let her go home to open the door for you just because you forgot ur key. u wanna come here first and help me? im really tired and have no energy to talk to you."..i said tat i did not wanted to go..(coz i feel unappreciated)..and tat im tired..of the late nights i return home.she started to shout at me..and i mean shout.."WHERE R YOU NOW?? WHAT YOU DOING?? U DUN WANNA COME DEN YOU STAY OUTSIDE THE HOUSE DEN."..ouch mum. ouch. almost cried while making this blog..she called me while i was typing..den i talked to her back..nicely..seriously..coz i dun wanna start a fight..and i dun wanna feel what i felt yty night..it was horrible..den she tell me to stay outside the house den..and..hung up. =)..great life i lead huh.. i feel so so sorry for myself. if my life was a movie, i whld be crying at the cinema.

>> walk in the light

> Rachel Ng
> 19 Feb 1991
> Christian
> Bedok View Sec
> Netball.
> short but nevertheless high self esteem!- imee.

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