>> Saturday, January 27, 2007

the NETBALL post.

im gonna talk alot about netball. this days my temper has been flaring alot coz im getting really annoyed by the fact that when i talk to people nicely, they like to disregard and either ignore it or reply me with a really bad tone. i know why coz im always the clown in their eyes that wouldnt mind what they were saying. you guys are taking advantage of my patience and the last straw has been pulled yty. im fucking annoyed with the way things are going.

my school life is great still coz im always fooling around with my friends with my char siew bao and muffin joke. i dont mind being a lamer as long as it puts smiles on people faces. but you girls, are getting too much. my classmates sometimes do it on me too, the attitude thing, thinking they can vent it on me and i express my frustrations very obvious. but i forgive them as they dont know me well. but u girls are people im seeing very often now due to netball commitments and if i dont settle it, you will see a total different side of me.

im not bitching about my netball girls now coz they are fun people. but maybe this fun has crossed the boundaries of respect and manners without realising. i try my best to keep my cool and not blow my top but i think its time to spare eileen from listening to my rants. she herself also got stuff to say about the team but i wont say it for her. actually there are more people who have something to say. im utterly disappointed about the way things have been going.

training
after running ten rounds round the court, i was first one to reach. then i sat down anad catch my breath

syafiqah: you all just started running?
me: yea.. i finished alrdy.
(boon and rest comes in)
syafiqah: what the hell sia. never wait for us. (referring to herself and nazreen) we always wait for you all then now never wait for us. next time dont wait for you all la! (storms off)

i just kept quiet and smiled to myself. what went through my head was "what? i reach first so i get the scolding? ridiculous behavior.." so i forgot about it

me: eh nazreen. is that your water? (pointing to a ice mountain bottle)
nazreen: (snatches the bottle away. yes, SNATCH. rolled her eyes. REALLY WIDE. uncapped the bottle with the most screwed up face you've ever seen and drink before slamming it on the table)
me: (stared in disbelief and disgust. i looked at boon to make sure its not just me seeing her behaving like that. boon returns with a puzzled look, affirming that she doesnt know whats wrong with nazreen. i waited for ten seconds to make sure she wasnt like joking or anything. but nazreen said nothing. and so..i said this)
me: fucker sia. what kind of fucker would do something like that. walau.. cannot believe it sia. got a fucking problem sia you. fucker (walks off)

that day, was the day i spilled vulgarities. it has been a long time since i last gotten so angry and used the f work in every sentence. im sorry to all that im accounted to as im not suppose to be behaving this way but.. im sorry. she was such a bitch.

whats ironic
doing ball drills

nazreen jumps past me and says : oh rachel! you can have my water alrdy
me: what? thats not the point. (totally thrown off in disgust by the change of behaviour)

end of training
i was tying my shoe lace

nazreen comes over and hugs me: oh rachel i love you. (and runs off)
me: she's sick. two sided.

the seniors and i alrdy had a problem with nazreen. she's evil one moment, rolling her eyes at every one she sees then when she sees we have a problem with that, she says she loves us all of a sudden. then the same cycle happens again. please la dont use the word love readily if u dont mean it. its discriminating.

before trainings
canteen

me: eh so bla bla bla bla (cant rmb what i said but i was asking something)
aisyah and hafizah just looks away
me: attitude sia..

look. i love this two girls coz they are great players and fun at times. but i cant take the sudden mood swings and it happened so many times that i dunno whats the shit going on. i feel really offended. they are all so jumpy when they are in good mood but so damn cold when in bad mood. whatever it is, plz respect the fact that im trying to talk to u guys and the least is reply. at least i tried bonding and u guys shouldnt not respect the person trying to talk to u all. but seriously speaking, the whole team haas a problem with that. except zhao and welly la.

eileen: i feel so lonely..
me: why?
eileen: everytime go for training always only me and you. last time got mariam they all around to play with. now so boring..
me: eh! im not human ah. lonely like im not around like that. haha stupid eileen. aiya our team is very clique-qy so confirm the two of us is not inside as we dont hang out with them alot what..
eileen: sighs.

see.. me and eileen has such talks. its like we go training just for the sake of the tournament. look im not saying we dont have our flaws. right after the netball selection for the team, people like wiwin, eileen and me got into the main seven and twelve rather than the ones that come for training. look im sorry ok but i wasnt the one who choosed the people. why blame us? its not our fault we are qualified for the team. IM NOT THE MOST DESERVING PERSON TO BE ON THE TEAM. I KNOW THAT. i tell my friends that too. i dont go training often and all. but, why did i still make it into the team? could it be im good? no. i think im average coz of the lack of training. could it be we are older so we are in as its our last year? no. welly is playing more than wiwin. or could it be that even though u guys went for training, you guys werent exactly training hard to improve on yourselves? im sorry but to me, thats the one with the highest possibility.

look, its seriously not in our hands on the selection and things going on k. so STOP BLAMING US THAT WE ARE INSIDE. give us attitudes and critics on every single mistake we have made. ask the teachers or something. blame everyone else on what has happened and how unfair it is to you. im damn sorry about it ok. but at the same time ask yourself. why arent you chosen? there must be a reason why they chose us instead of u guys.

seriously, im damn thankful for having a chance to be on the team. coz i seriously dont think i deserve it but i have proven myself enough to show i want to be in it. each time when i train, i try my best to catch up on what i missed out. learned what does coach exactly want out of me. try to adapt to aisyah and zhao ying's playing. i love netball. i love playing with people. the girls in the main 7 are talented people and i really love to play with them. i feel contented just to play netball.

but you guys from what i see, come for training just for the sake of it. alway running after guys that walk past. do unnecessary screams and shouts. i dont have a problem with that actually. coz we are girls and maybe its in our nature. but as long as you got focus the moment you train, i doubt there would be a problem in your growth as a netballer. so what went wrong? how the hell would i know. so dont blame people. and even call coach a chi bai. coz she has her reasons. and she mentioned before that yours was cause of your lousy attitude.

now, why dont i come for training since i love netball. i love to play with people bla bla. it seems ironic right? maybe its because i dont feel part of the team anymore. last year i went for every training. at least most of it. coz i felt really part of the team. boon also. i would enjoy playing netball so much that i pangseh my friends just to be with my seniors and all. my b div last year was so bonded that i cried at my last match coz it seems like the end of this phamilia. maybe why this year's b div, me and eileen dont feel a part of the team might be cause everything is too late to be amended.

me and eileen are the only seniors left. the rest are all sec threes and twos. we tried talking to u guys but sometimes it ends up in vain. you guys are good and comfortable with what you alrdy are so no use breaking it out. i understand that. maybe last year, the b div and c div have bonded within themselves respectively that its quite hard to break. im sorry ok but im trying now. actually i tried last year too. but nvm..

basicly what im trying to say is that i dont feel motivated to go training. but feel ousted sometimes to go for it. after the team selection i walked to nadiah and hafizah and seeked their most honest opinion about it. i asked if they were alright with it coz i totally know three of us dont exactly go for training. and eileen made captain is also a question mark on people's heads. they said they didnt care as theres a reason for the teachers to choose. so i guess its cleared.

back to trainings. the attitude of the people pissing me off. i head alot of discontentment by three such people on the selection and all but i dont intend to address the problem. coz they are just interested on gossiping and backstabbing people. i dont care. then theres this nasha who keeps running after the boys, wasting lots of time in her antics for attention during games and all. which were getting pretty much on everyone's nerves. and then when it comes to the number game

me: (accidentally hits the ball of nasha hands) eh sorry sorry haha
nasha: walau. what sia. what what what (like some wannabe tyrant)
me: (couldnt take her behaviour and thrust my chest against hers to intimidate her) WHAT WHAT WHAT.

then she shut up and we all continued playing. the thing is..stop it la.. im sick of all this crap. why cant we just play properly? stop wasting time. so pissed coz i felt like killing someone. the whole day's drama was getting on my nerves so much and when we had to use the "black or white game" to decide on which 7 vs 7, i had displayed my anger once again. sia la that day was when rachel breaks her silence.

oh ya be ya some. (no 7vs 7)
oh ya be ya some ( still dont have)
oh ya be ya some
oh ya be ya some
oh ya be ya some

it was going nowhere. and i saw a pattern.. nadiah, hafizah and aisyah came out together, all the same, black white black white. it seems like such a familiar trick.

nafisah: aiya faster la! we just choose la
me: no no forget it. might as well the three of them form a team against us la since they alrdy decided so. (in a bosong tone)

then they got the hint and aisyah changed hers. after that she came to me and told me to relax. then i told her i was tired of all this things in netball alrdy and she said sorry. and she talk nicely to me alrdy after that day. haha finally someone who has heard my cries for respect. thank you aisyah.

yty.. tampiness match. fuck it. me and eileen just knew something like that will happen. anyways thx to hafizah for plaiding my hair. really appreciate it. buy u drink next time. first quarter was 4-7 to tampiness. then i think we lead by 6 goals the next quarter. then the third quarter they came back and we leading by two. i felt that f*ed up alrdy coz my team was so afraid of a teamsek case heading our direction where we lost in the end. i promised junting and jiahui that i will do all my best to prevent that from happening. but at the fourth quarter, everything crumbled. we were so pressurized that everything crumbled. we were so demoralised each time they scored a goal and it was just bad. just bad..

i dont wanna blame anyone coz i think we all have a fair share of faults in that quarter. but then.. "she" failed us alot in that quarter. but its alright la.. i hope i can get over it. the umpiring was bad.. it was just bad. there were so many contacts i suffered yet overruled. so many sia.. darren and derong who came to support me saw one such incident. haha then darren was like

umpire run past him
darren: referee kayu. bitch.
umpire stop and look at him.

haha that was funny. but anyways the match hit me like train after it ended. so disturbed and disappointed and pissed. really was.. but i was more of frustrated than sad. hafizah and aisyah had tears welling out in their eyes and my heart goes out to them really. i was soo disappointed. i couldnt talk to my team as the quarter was just so thrashy that i just dont wanna think about it. i walked to derong and darren to vent out my frustrations and despair but also thank them for coming down.

i was soo angry with myself and the rest. i wasnt complacent but i was just pressurized. my team was more pressurized than me. i squatted and covered my face with my uniform reflecting on the match and now how drastic things have changed for us as we were doing great, winning chung cheng and temasek yet now losing to tampiness. de rong and darren kept consoling me and encouraging me not to give up. i kinda have alrdy as.. we still haven fought against tkgs and anglican. they just kept telling me to keep my heads up

then i saw mann and she so could see me gonna cry and all but i said i was ok and ya.. i went back to my team and they didnt say much so neither did i. then i went back to darren and derong as i dont wan them to feel awkward or anything.. so they did all the could to make me happy again. and yea they were successful of coz and i just manage to come out a laugh as i got to hit darren with a bun to vent my frustrations at. but they could tell im not over it.

then i received a message from ******.

"=.= the sec3s are angry with you now coz they cant believe you are still smiling after the match. i dont like it even though they are my peers."

i saw the message and was infuriated. then i yelled: WHO. WHO SAID THAT. (looking at the direction of the person who messaged me" WHO.
person: (used her eyes and rolled to the two person next to her)

and without a doubt, it was the same two shit who was pissed over me and the rest getting into the team. it was the same two that were rude to me in trainings. then immediately i yelled in that direction like a maniac that stunned both derong and darren wondering what was wrong with me. actually the whole team stared at me wondering who im scolding

me: WHAT. TELL IT TO MY FACE LA. WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO. CRY AH? YOU GO PLAY IN THAT MATCH LA IF YOU ARE SO GOOD. KAU. IM SAD OVER THE MATCH TOO K. WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO. HUH. WHAT. MOST I SHOW IM UNHAPPY IN FRONT OF YOU ALL. I CRY NOW LA IF YOU WANT THAT.

then junting and all asked me what happen. and i was still fuming. then the bus came. i called out

me: syafiqah. SYAFIQAH. SYAFIQAH.
(after pretending not to hear, she finally turned back)
me: what was it you were saying? im sad about the match ok. but do i have to show it to you? now thats its over, dont you think im qualified to smile abit?
syafiqah: (nods her head and says ok and walks off pissly)

darren and de rong consoled me once again, while being equally pissed as i was as it was ridiculous on crying over what has happened. and they were the ones busy trying to cheer me up so to hear that i was happy seemed stupid to them. i wasnt able to get over that thing for a long time. i went out with them to suntec and in the best they tried to make me get over it. what de rong said made sense

de rong: since you alrdy know your team is like that, why get bothered over the things they say? she has an attitude problem so ignore her.
me: its hard la. my own teammate saying something like that about me. i think its ridiculous.
de rong: ya so forget about it. not worth getting upset over a person like that.
darren: which one ? is it the monkey face one?
de rong: ya i also think she looks like a monkey
me: =.=

then i called boon and she said the team's bus ride back to school waas very quiet. as in no one spoke. i felt sad after hearing that coz im sure the team is equally disappointed as i was. with that, i hope the next match we will do our best again ok =) then de rong they all brought me to raffles city to queue for the newly opened "donut factory" and we queued for a damn 2 hours in the end. it was damn slow. after a match i stood for 2 hours for this darn donuts. 5pm-7pm. haha but it should be 3 hours. coz sheena was alrdy queing an hour before us and we came to accompany her. so its 4-7pm before we finally got our donuts. we felt like we survived a war

i finally got over the match and the issue of smiling when i ate the first donut. it took away my pain. it was so good.. it was worth the wait. then we walked around before deciding on thai express. the green curry was simply heavenly. when i reach heaven, the first thing i ask God is.. "hey God.. you have green curry in here?" haha joking. but it was really that awesome. then we went esplanade walk walk and finally decided on a spot to savour our donuts. it didnt taste that good anymore. haha maybe coz we were too full.

then we finish a dozen of it and after that i felt really nausea. as we set off for home, we walked to the toilet so i can vomit. i vomitted out chunks of donuts haha. i was grossed out by the sight thus vomitting out more. but sadly only half came out. i still have stuff in my stomach. EEWWW. haha then the trip home, i was just so tired and sick that i kept quiet. darren and de rong were really understanding and so after sending me home, i bath and slept immediately. thx boys.

and i saw what was on shafiqahs blog. it had this really ugly skin. i felt turned off by it. her blog entry says this " and rachel, thanks for the shit yoo told me after the match. you should have told the whole team actually. =.= " well excuse me, the whole team isnt made up of u and your pitiful self denial friend. both of u are in self denial. gee i hate using my blog to say of people like that. but today is the netball post. haizz.. im so sad that it has come to such an end. but if i shut up more, i will get more slanders from not understanding people who thinks im ok with with it.

i dont think what i said to u was shit. i think it made sense. i found it hard to get over that match. but is it wrong of me to laugh about something else? if everyone is like you, wouldnt there ever be a good loser to prove that defeat is sometimes good? fuck off. sheesh. i extend my apologises la really.. im sorry to zhao ying, welly, wiwin, eileen, junting, jiahui, nadiah, hafizah, aisyah and others that maybe at some points in this entry, you guys might be implicated as i used "netball" which may mean you guys. but its only certain people la. i hope that you see this from my point of view and understand what im going through and we all work out something better together. im willing to try again, would u?

tag replies:

to xinyi: hi xinyi! haha thx girl. will fight all the way

to darren: lol.

to derong: we should do that song next time!

to marr: .. thx. i wish you were here.

happier times
at training
break

eileen: eh you wanna eat? (offers me pineapple tarts)
me: ya i want.
eileen: i make one.
me: serious?? haha nice le.
eileen: you believe ah? hahahaha
me: walau! bluff me sia. no wonder this one so nice
eileen: siao. where got people make such things for their friends one. and if i make, i will keep at home give myself.
me: nabe! hahahaha you idiot sia!

at playground
slacking with sheena

me: sia la.. my birthday is on a holiday..
sheena: ah? why?
me: 19 feb what.. chinese new year
sheena: oh.. doesnt exist to me. leap year

>> walk in the light

> Rachel Ng
> 19 Feb 1991
> Christian
> Bedok View Sec
> Netball.
> short but nevertheless high self esteem!- imee.

>> running after

>> how great is

Xinyi,
Hanies,
Serena,
Mann
Wei Ling,
Jo,
Abby,
Xiang Luan,
Shearen,
Beverly,
June,
Imee,
Kayan,
Richny,
Yan Jun,
Eunice,
Emerlyn,
Sophia,
Mariam,
Shireen,
Four of them,
Jiahui,
Shafiqah,
Joan,
Try,
Charlotte,
Ngiam,
Donna,
Eileen,
Sheena,
Grace,
Gino,
Daniel,
Zhi Hao,
Sherlynn,
Darren,

>> look back

>> stand before You now

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